We shared something special that only a minority have ever experienced in their whole lives. I loved you so much, I had to compartmentalize my emotions, my heart, to be able to survive. To this day, no one, not even you, has been able to get me to completely open up and love wholly again. I mean, I know I love you still but even I don't know how much because there are so many sections and chains and doors and vaults that I can only access certain sections at any given point in time.
How did I get here and why am I putting all this out there? Ummm, I really don't know to explain it but I hope it makes sense to you when I'm done. Soooo, for the past couple months I've been on an emotional rollercoaster that I've been able to somewhat brush off. It got worse when my friend was going through her ordeal of dealing with a breakup. She felt the need to do a postmortem with me so that she could understand, in an effort to let go. For the couple times I have had to assist, it raised a lot of questions, doubts, insecurities that I never knew I had, or never took seriously. For the past couple days, I have crawled under a rock. I guess you could label that rock as depression. Things just keep adding to it, like I find myself listening to Adele's "21" album a lot and the songs are constantly stuck in ma head. Yesterday, I realized how much I missed you, how much you meant and how many things were affected by our relationship and how things panned out. Then today, I watched "The Adjustment Bureau" and I broke.
I don't know how to move forward. I have no idea if this will bring closure. I don't know anything anymore. I just feel lost.
We had something great. Just so you know, I don't blame you for things being the way they are. You were struggling with your beliefs and you were convinced that focusing solely on God would correct all the "wrong" you did in the past. We had many chances after that, but I kept pushing you away because it didn't feel like it once did. I now understand why it didn't at the time. I shutdown and had my defences up ever since that summer. And as much as I'm sure I have loved, it was never with the same depth or capacity. Only a small section was open and where ever it maxed it, so be it, no other sections were allowed to be flooded or contaminated.
I feel like I missed my one opportunity to be truly happy and this is me paying dearly for it.
Kavon McKenzie Copyright 2011
